The Breastfeeding Daddy

ME: Hi, my name is Tom and I'm a breastfeeding dad.
CROWD: Hello, Tom!!!

Ok, so I'm obviously not THAT kind of breastfeeding dad. The "I have nipples Greg, can you milk me" kind of breastfeeding dad. But I am the dad of an exclusively breastfed baby. Being a breastfeeding dad is not as easy as it sounds. It is, of course, not tougher than being a breastfeeding mom because those of you out there that do it, including my wife, are freaking miracle workers. Having a child latch themselves on to you and suck you dry as their sole means of sustanance is exhausting and takes a special person. And those special people are women for a reason because guys, lets face it, we are way too lazy and selfish to do it (don't argue with me, we are).

There are pros and cons to being a breastfeeding dad. First, the pros. The most obvious pro is that I get to sleep WAY more because I don't get up to feed the CEO in the middle of the night. Also, when the CEO lets out her rebel hunger cry during the day, I can pass her to her mom and watch Sportscenter for the 9th time. Well, at least until she goes back to work, at which time, this is what I will be like during the day. And lastly, I don't have to strap a machine to my chest to extract whatever the life-sucking child left behind so we can freeze it and feed it to her later. Believe me, you couldn't pay me to put the breast pump anywhere near my nipples. I'd rather put the dogs' electric fence collar on and sprint out of the yard. 

Now for the fun part: the cons of being a breastfeeding dad. These basically consist of the comments that people make that are ridiculous, make me mad, or make my wife mad (the latter being the most important for obvious reasons). What I've found is that these comments generally originate from one group of people: Anyone who has never had a kid. Before everyone freaks out and calls me an a-hole, this is not a blanket statement for everyone without kids AND I'm not saying it's even their fault. I was in this category not that long ago and really, those without kids just haven't had to think that much about it yet. That being said, let's get to it.

The first one is, "Are you, like, breastfeeding breastfeeding?" What the f does this even mean? How would one do that? Would your breasts have breasts that you feed from? Would the baby eat from mom's boob and then dad's boob? Or the dog? Yes, my wife is breastfeeding our child. From her breast. And only from her breast. It's not a complicated concept. Right off the bat, you can see there isn't much thought that goes into what people will say/ask about breastfeeding.

Next we come to "I mean, I don't have a problem with breastfeeding in public but some people do." Really? I have never heard from the "some people", just the people that know the "some people". Listen, let's get one thing straight, I'm not going to go into the whole "breastfeeding is natural and should be done anywhere" speech. What I am going to say is that I'd like to take anyone who has said that and have them sit in their house with an infant for two straight months without ever leaving. By the end of one week they will be begging for an hour at a restaurant even if they have to sit and breastfeed naked. Guys included. 

Finally, we come to my favorite. The "Yeah, I don't mind, I just feel bad seeing her naked boob." That is very nice of you, it definitely is. But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be staring at her boobs anyway right? Is the baby in the way of you taking inventory on the boobs of the room?  Or you're only comfortable staring at my wife's boobs if they're covered by a shirt? Cause if you're not looking at her boobs in the first place, I'm *pretty sure* you won't see anything that you'll "feel bad about" when she's feeding the baby.

Anyway, I guess in closing I should say eeeeveryone relax. If you see a baby monkey or a puppy doing it, it's soooo cute, right? So don't overthink it, we all have to eat. And don't screw it up for me and make the wife stop cause I have to catch my 10th Sportscenter of the morning. Believe me, I'm screwed enough as it is when she goes back to work.