The Poop Dictionary

Today I need to talk about something critical in raising an infant: Poop. See, people who don't have babies (such as me in my pre-caddie days) think babies poop like we all do just softer. Now, being the "professional" dad of a five week old, I have found that not only are there different kinds of poops, but there are many different ways that our little poop launchers can dispense it. Everyone seems to use the term "blowout," which is far too vague, so I have created an easy to use index using my new caddie's future favorite sport. Here we go.

The Water Hazard

Although not actually poop, this mega pee diaper is certainly something all parents have to deal with. It's wet, unpleasant, and not really somewhere you want to be. Also, the water hazard diaper is freaking heavy. Like holding a bowling ball heavy. It defies the rules of science, since I'm *pretty sure* I changed a water hazard that actually weighed more than the kid.

The Divot

If baby poop can be pleasant (it can't), the Divot is it. A big swing (fart), resulting in only a small contained poop. Nice and easy to clean and replace with a new diaper. As you can see, we are easing into this.

The Slice/Hook

Sometimes they just can't keep it on the fairway, and depending on which side this occurs on, you have the Slice or the Hook. There are varying degrees of how far they can get the poop off the fairway. For example, my little poop monster caddie got some on her ankle the other day. I mean that's just plain impressive. I'm sure she was very proud. I know we were.

 The Shankapotomous

Sometimes it just all goes wrong. It doesn't go left, it doesn't go right, it goes straight up and it is not good. The Shankopotomous is when everything goes wrong. It shoots straight up the stomach AND up the back, possibly out of the sides too. It also somehow completely avoids the actual diaper. If you weren't so busy trying keep poop off everything in sight, it would be downright impressive.

The Charles Barkley

This is where it starts to get tricky. We all know about Charles' golf game. Well he's...... He's not good. If you haven't had the pleasure of watching his atrocious swing, you can see it here. You see, Chuck's got a big stop and go in his swing which not only looks like poop, it's just like the "stop and go" poop. It's pretty simple, goes something like this: big fart, small poop. Seems easy enough. Thinking it's a Divot, you do a quick diaper change and then boom, a huge Shankapotomous. Gets you every time.

The John Daly

Before being known for wearing crazy pants, Daly was known for an almost certain blow up. Like a walk off the course and hit the showers blow up and they were always epic. Just like the John Daly poop. You will know when this one hits. It covers *everything*. Diaper, baby, onesie, pants, changing table, you, your clothes, the couch, the dog, the baby's hair... Everything. You literally need to hit the showers when this one is done. For those who haven't had the priviledge of experiencing this yet, just imagine covering everything in sight with stinky dijon mustard. You're welcome. 

The Arnold Palmer

Besides being old and probably pretty close to wearing diapers of his own, an Arnold Palmer is also a delicious cocktail, which I am about to ruin for you. This poop is a hybrid. The scenerio is simple and starts with a nice, easy poop like a Divot. Then, as you are beginning to change the diaper, your baby surprises you with a spontaneous pee. The yellow hue of the fresh pee then mixes with the already established poop to create the perfect diaper Arnold Palmer. I had to put this one in because I didn't want to be the only one that can't ever drink one of those again. Misery loves company. 

I'm sure there are more that I don't even know about yet but the CEO is crying, I think she just had a Shankapotomous.