Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Nap Launch Procedure

There are now definitely things that I am good at with our little caddie: keeping her a happy baby during the day, feeding, going for walks, *cough* tummy time, even running errands like the grocery store are easy peasy now. By the way, when the Caddie is with me at the grocery store it takes at least 30 minutes longer. She's like a magnet for the 65-90 year old demographic. Seriously, if I were a single 70 year old man I could be cleaning up at the grocery store. Sorry, that got off track real fast. Anyways, I am good at a lot of things now but getting her on a nap schedule was NOT one of them. See, I loved when she napped on me. She always napped longer and better and frankly I just liked it. One day, when Mom got home from work and warned me that it was a bad habit, I laid down the law. I said "I like when she sleeps on me, she won't be this small forever so this is how it is going to be and that's final!!!" (P.S. It definitely didn't sound like that at all and all I got in response was an eyeroll from the wife.)  But, times have changed, and we finally got her on a nap schedule. And when I say "we" I mean the Caddie's mom spent her 5 days off over the July 4th week and established one herself. Basically I was there for moral support. I told you, I'm not good at naps. I mean I am really good at napping but, nevermind. But she is now a napping machine. 2+ hours at 10 in the morning and another 90 minutes in the afternoon like clockwork. Sounds great right? It definitely is but what is not so great is that getting her down for her awesome naps takes about as many steps as launching the space shuttle into orbit. So to keep my sanity, I'm going to go through the steps if for no other reason than if I ever forget one, I have it down in writing. So without further ado, here it is....

Protocol for the 10AM Nap Launch

T-minus 15:00 (9:45)- Mission control (The CEO) notifies us that a nap is imminent 15 minutes before the nap shall begin. The notification process is pretty easy to spot. It begins and ends with her not wanting to be put down, picked up, laid down, sat down, or stood up. I think that covers it. Basically she wants nothing to do with the waking universe.

T-minus 13:00 (9:47)- The nap crew obviously needs fuel so I start to get a bottle ready. This is very essential. She always needs her milk before going down for a nap. Now I know what some of you are thinking... "If you know she is going down for a nap, and she is already freaking out, then how come you don't have a bottle ready?" To that I say!... moving on......

T-minus 10:00 (9:50)- With the bottle ready to go, we have to head upstairs to her bedroom. This *should* be the easy part. But nothing is easy in this process. I go up and down the stairs all the time and they always look the same to me. They look like this. Most of the time it seems they look the same way to the CEO as well but soooomething changes when we are heading up to launch a nap. When we head up for a nap, something clicks. This is where the meltdown reaaaally starts to take shape. I can only imagine that this is what it looks like to her when we head up for the nap. I think I'd cry too.

T-minus 9:00 (9:51) - With mission control starting to get a little worried that this whole nap thing isn't going to go down, panic sets in. And it does not get any easier. Once we get to the room two things happen. 1. I have to get about 57 things done in 30 seconds or there will be no sleeping. Shades closed, white noise machine on, A/C set, blankie and pacifier are at the ready and crib cleared. 2. She completely and utterly loses her mind. I mean seriously, she never cries like this EVER. The second she hits the changing table to change her diaper and get her in her sleep sack she cries like I just put her in an apparatus from one of the SAW movies. It's almost, ALMOST, funny how much she screams.(By the way, it's not even remotely funny and most of the time I am sweating at this point.) Also, while she is screaming she is rolling around like she is on fire. It would be like trying to change this person’s diaper.  (Side note: To the list of things that babies have that I want, add sleep sack. I mean this thing is awesome. Zips up the front, your legs are always warm, arms are free, it's a snuggie that never falls off. Freaking awesome.)

T-minus 6:00 (9:54)- Diaper changed, awesome sleep sack on so now we scoop her up and it's off to the rocking chair (still freaking out by the way), and give her the bottle. BOOM, silence. Not a peep. No tears, nothing. It's amazing. If I'm lucky she starts to doze off while she is eating and we are off and running. There are two keys to this step. First, she needs her blankie. Let me repeat. SHE NEEDS HER BLANKIE. Nap sequence cannot be completed without the blankie. She is basically this in pink. Everyone who knows her gets it. Second, and this is the most critical part of the whole process, you need a perfect bottle/pacifier transition. I have perfected the one handed removal of the bottle and insertion of the pacifier. While there can be some gap, you really need to strive for a 0.5 second or less transition or you are at risk of an aborted nap. I'm actually not joking about this, she will start to freak out the second she's done the bottle and if you delay, you'll risk having to start the nap sequence all over again and this time with more screaming and no more milk.

T-minus 0:30 (9:59)- Carefully stand up and lay her in her crib on her side curled up with her blankie and get the hell out of Dodge! After all that (I mean really, it seems like she fought every second of the way) she passes out for TWO! HOURS! I have no idea or explanation but I just wasted most of her nap time writing this so I am outta here to try and make my living room not look like someone vandalized the toy aisle at a Babies R' Us.

Oh and in "happy toy news" we had a tragedy averted this week. Just like our late Cow, "The Sheep" was ripped from his hanging device by a vicious pull from the caddie. But we can happily report that after some surgery he is resting comfortably at GGH (Grandma General Hospital) and will make a full recovery. Just a wonderful story.





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