There are now definitely things
that I am good at with our little caddie: keeping her a happy baby during the
day, feeding, going for walks, *cough* tummy time, even running errands like
the grocery store are easy peasy now. By the way, when the Caddie is with me at
the grocery store it takes at least 30 minutes longer. She's like a magnet for
the 65-90 year old demographic. Seriously, if I were a single 70 year old man I
could be cleaning up at the grocery store. Sorry, that got off track real fast.
Anyways, I am good at a lot of things now but getting her on a nap schedule was
NOT one of them. See, I loved when she napped on me. She always napped longer
and better and frankly I just liked it. One day, when Mom got home from work
and warned me that it was a bad habit, I laid down the law. I said "I like
when she sleeps on me, she won't be this small forever so this is how it is
going to be and that's final!!!" (P.S. It definitely didn't sound like
that at all and all I got in response was an eyeroll from the wife.) But,
times have changed, and we finally got her on a nap schedule. And when I say
"we" I mean the Caddie's mom spent her 5 days off over the July 4th
week and established one herself. Basically I was there for moral support. I
told you, I'm not good at naps. I mean I am really good at napping but, nevermind.
But she is now a napping machine. 2+ hours at 10 in the morning and another 90
minutes in the afternoon like clockwork. Sounds great right? It definitely is
but what is not so great is that getting her down for her awesome naps takes
about as many steps as launching the space shuttle into orbit. So to keep my
sanity, I'm going to go through the steps if for no other reason than if I ever
forget one, I have it down in writing. So without further ado, here it is....
Protocol
for the 10AM Nap Launch
T-minus 15:00 (9:45)- Mission control (The CEO) notifies us that a nap
is imminent 15 minutes before the nap shall begin. The notification process is
pretty easy to spot. It begins and ends with her not wanting to be put down,
picked up, laid down, sat down, or stood up. I think that covers it. Basically
she wants nothing to do with the waking universe.
T-minus 13:00 (9:47)- The nap crew obviously needs fuel so I start to
get a bottle ready. This is very essential. She always needs her milk before
going down for a nap. Now I know what some of you are thinking... "If you
know she is going down for a nap, and she is already freaking out, then how
come you don't have a bottle ready?" To that I say!... moving on......
T-minus 10:00 (9:50)- With the bottle ready to go, we have to head
upstairs to her bedroom. This *should* be the easy part. But nothing is easy in
this process. I go up and down the stairs all the time and they always look the
same to me. They look like this. Most of the time it seems they look the same way to
the CEO as well but soooomething changes when we are heading up to launch a
nap. When we head up for a nap, something clicks. This is where the meltdown
reaaaally starts to take shape. I can only imagine that this is what
it looks like to her when we head up for the nap. I think I'd cry too.
T-minus 9:00 (9:51) - With mission control starting to get a little
worried that this whole nap thing isn't going to go down, panic sets in. And it
does not get any easier. Once we get to the room two things happen. 1. I have
to get about 57 things done in 30 seconds or there will be no sleeping. Shades
closed, white noise machine on, A/C set, blankie and pacifier are at the ready
and crib cleared. 2. She completely and utterly loses her mind. I mean
seriously, she never cries like this EVER. The second she hits the changing
table to change her diaper and get her in her sleep sack she cries like I just
put her in an apparatus from one of the SAW movies. It's almost, ALMOST, funny
how much she screams.(By the way, it's not even remotely funny and most of the
time I am sweating at this point.) Also, while she is screaming she is rolling
around like she is on fire. It would be like trying to
change this person’s diaper. (Side note: To the list of things that
babies have that I want, add sleep sack. I mean this thing is awesome. Zips up
the front, your legs are always warm, arms are free, it's a snuggie that never
falls off. Freaking awesome.)
T-minus 6:00 (9:54)- Diaper changed, awesome sleep sack on so now we
scoop her up and it's off to the rocking chair (still freaking out by the way),
and give her the bottle. BOOM, silence. Not a peep. No tears, nothing. It's
amazing. If I'm lucky she starts to doze off while she is eating and we are off
and running. There are two keys to this step. First, she needs her blankie. Let
me repeat. SHE NEEDS HER BLANKIE. Nap sequence cannot be completed without the
blankie. She is basically this in pink. Everyone who knows her gets it. Second, and
this is the most critical part of the whole process, you need a perfect
bottle/pacifier transition. I have perfected the one handed removal of the
bottle and insertion of the pacifier. While there can be some gap, you really need
to strive for a 0.5 second or less transition or you are at risk of an aborted
nap. I'm actually not joking about this, she will start to freak out the second
she's done the bottle and if you delay, you'll risk having to start the nap
sequence all over again and this time with more screaming and no more milk.
T-minus 0:30 (9:59)- Carefully stand up and lay her in her crib on her
side curled up with her blankie and get the hell out of Dodge! After all that (I
mean really, it seems like she fought every second of the way) she passes out
for TWO! HOURS! I have no idea or explanation but I just wasted most of her nap
time writing this so I am outta here to try and make my living room not look
like someone vandalized the toy aisle at a Babies R' Us.
Oh and in "happy toy
news" we had a tragedy averted this week. Just like our late Cow,
"The Sheep" was ripped from his hanging device by a vicious pull from
the caddie. But we can happily report that after some surgery he is resting
comfortably at GGH (Grandma
General Hospital)
and will make a full recovery. Just a wonderful story.
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